Endless

There are times I drag my feet when I walk along the sidewalk while looking up at the sky.
There are times I can’t feel myself breathing.
There are times my mind is blank.
There are times I slot the key in and I just freeze outside the door.

There are times I don’t want to go home.

Walking and walking. Trudging.

In my mind, I saw a car swerving in to hit me whenever I had a little road to cross.
Then I wished I had another 40.0 fever, wished my head exploded.

There are times I don’t see any sense in things.

What good is a home if there’s nobody to go back to? It’s merely a house with pieces of junk inside.

I come home most of the time eager to rush into my room and switch on the computer.

But this time, I just felt… disconnected from everything.

What good is a home if the one person you wanna come home to doesn’t want you home?

What good.. is it..
What good.. am I..?

Yayayaya, I know I’m needy and I’m like a flower who wants to be constantly watered. So what~

I don’t show it, but it doesn’t mean it’s not there..

One man’s trash is another man’s treasure..

wtf am I on about
i have a complex complex

I’m Hooked

FOR WRITCOMM:

Addiction is widely present among youths who are still in school nowadays. This addiction comes in various forms and often ranging in their severity. Firstly, the most common addiction is the pathological use of the Internet. The Internet is an essential tool in research. Thus, hours are spent on the Internet. It is no wonder that it is easy to get side-tracked into chatting, gaming and downloading. With softwares fueling these acts, Internet addiction has a rapidly increasing fan base. This is evident during lectures when the youths’ attention is poured into their addictive acts rather than to the lecturer. Also, there is the addiction to self. It is often not acknowledged for fear of being called egoistic. However, youths carry out this addiction almost daily. From wanting to look good for others, to wishing to come out on top in class, youths practice this addiction all the time. Often do we come across conversations that start with “Me” or “I” – and this only goes to show that this addiction is in action. Lastly- smoking.  With immense amounts of projects, coupled with deadlines to meet, stress is inevitable. An outlet is needed for this mounting stress. So, youths turn to smoking. Smoking gives them the feeling of rebelliousness. Some are solely hooked on to the idea of being exclusive, puffing away unlike their non-smoking counterparts. In contrast, there is still a large number of youths who genuinely enjoy the feeling of smoke filling their lungs.

P.S. : I was just making use of the word count system in here. So much cooler than Word’s.
PUBLISHED ANYWAY IN CASE BLACKBOARD FIZZLES AND POPS.

Pebbles? Give Me A Hundred, Thank You

The Internet is a universe of undiscovered knowledge. I was cruising through this universe when I saw this:

“syphilomania – pathological belief that one is afflicted with syphilis”

Yeah, it made me laugh. I don’t think it’s as funny for the folks who have syphilomania, though. I wasn’t in some sleazy site, all right. I was looking for a word that described this mania I have. I doubt it’s a mania though. A quirk maybe, definitely not a mania.

I LIKE COLLECTING THINGS!

When I was little, I started the whole sticker collecting thing. I bet most kids did that anyway. Back in the days, if another kid asked if you had a sticker collection and you said “No,”.. you were the loser kid. Like, that other punk kid would be guffawing at you inside their sticker-filled head. So yes, I had a book of stickers, and then two books, then it grew to three and then ten! Ten and counting. Wheeowheeoo.

So after the whole sticker WahWah! phase, there was the eraser phase. Remember those tiny erasers that had Pokemon printed on them? THOSE! Yeah, I think I have a number of flag prints too. I got them at ten cents each from the school bookstore. Haha. Then I used to play that eraser game where the erasers had to wrestle each other. The person whose eraser ended up on top got to keep both erasers. HAHAH. GRADE SCHOOL GAMBLING IN ACTION SSHHH.

Then came marbles. Who could’ve known marbles had fancy names like “Bumble Bee” or “Spit Fire”. Those were cool. I didn’t really play with em. I just bought pretty marbles and kept em. They weren’t the usual marbles though. I remember buying a set of Japanese-themed marbles and they had cherry blossoms in each marble. Pretty. Sometimes when I’m bored, I roll them on the floor and run after them. Kidding.

The collection that I’m really proud of and want to work on is the Playing Cards Collection. Whoo! I’ve got a number of decks already. I’ll try getting them from everywhere. I’ve got round-shaped decks, weird-shaped decks and normal-shaped decks. Uhhhm, whatever normal is. Anyway, Bicycle cards are the coolest. Oh yes, they’re so sexy.

I like collecting paper too. I kept the petals of a blue flower someone gave me (2 years old, gross). I collect books. I collect pencils, graphic novels (Marvel & DC + similar stuff), Archie comics, tiny figurines and necklaces.

I just have the need to collect things. I think I need to talk to a shrink.

I hope to turn the house into a gallery. I’ll charge $5.
$2.50 for DVFX students.
RSVP in 10 years, please.

This Is For You, MOM

~
“This is for you, for all that you’ve done for me
And I wanted to show you how much you mean”
~

Dear Mom,

For the past 17 years of my life, all I’ve had are sweet memories of you taking good care of me. I’d like to thank and honour you for bringing me up single-handedly. You’re the finest example of God’s generosity and love in action. Whenever you do something kind to me or to others, I always say to myself, “I wanna be like her when I grow up,”.

I still remember the times in the Philippines when I used to beep your pager every hour whenever you were at work or not in Manila. I think the operator was just being patient with me for all the times she had to type “Where are you, Mom? What are you doing? I miss you,”. It’s funny, though. Back then when mobile phones weren’t available to everyone, I used to to page you very often. Now that my mobile phone’s in my pocket all the time, I don’t message you as much anymore. Don’t worry, Mom. I still miss you the same.

Thank you for working hard to raise me. I know that it’s tough doing it alone at times, especially with the amount of trouble I get into sometimes, but all the more I think that you deserve the title “SuperMOM” above anyone else.

We may not be rich with material things, but I’m content that our hearts and our house are filled with faith and love. Thank you for deciding to be strong for the both of us when Dad left. Thank you for putting me into YFC. Thank you for enriching me spiritually. Thank you for loving me unconditionally.

You mean the world to me, Mom. I don’t show it very often, but I try sometimes.

Happy Mother’s Day.

I love you very much.

-Paula

All Good Things Come To An End

Don’t worry, friends. This post has nothing to do with razor blades, black, excessive use of eyeliner, tight-fitting shirts, skinny jeans and dare I say.. emo kids.

It hasn’t been smooth sailing for me ever since I started playing computer games and stuff. To be dead honest, I don’t think playing is the right term to use. ADDICTED. That’s more like it. Addicted – in every sense of the word.

I remember the secondary school years free from the bondage of addiction. Actually, it was just one year that Addiction didn’t touch. During my first year, I reckon I was getting straight A’s for most of the subjects. Second year came. A friend of mine introduced me to the world of Online Gaming. I should’ve kicked his butt right there and then when I had the chance. Tsk.

Supreme Destiny – the very first MMORPG (massive multiplayer online role playing game) I played. It wasn’t too shabby at first. I logged in whenever I wanted. Eventually, I got caught in the trap of endless leveling, killing and upgrading of equipments. I lost control of myself. I couldn’t even log out even if I wanted to. I was just… stuck there. The more time I spent in the game, the less time I spent with my books (naturally). A part of me knew that I was slowly surrendering myself to the ‘LOSERDOM’ that came with addiction. Dude, like I spent a shitload of money on buying virtual points and for what? Virtual 1cmx1cm items in the game. Last my classmates and I counted: 150+ cards costing SGD$10.50 each. So yeah, school pretty much sucked for me.

I remember that day very vividly. I had a cane held up against my throat/neck. He dug the cane in a little deeper, said a whole bunch of nasty stuff that pretty much ended up as me being worthless, and other shitty stuff. By Year 3 Mid-Year Examinations, I was in over my head. Totally clueless, totally indifferent. I failed 5 out of 8 subjects. So yeah, the same bullshit happened until the ‘O’ levels. For preliminaries, my L1R5 was 39, I think. Somewhere there in the 30s. Yeah, they said I was smart. They asked what the hell I was doing with my life. So I was like, “Yayayayayaya, I’ll be okay”. I stopped gaming for a bit during the ‘O’ levels.

I would like to take this time to officially express my sentiments to the teacher who called me a worthless pile of crap.

9 points.

IN YO’ FACE,

(noun).

Anyway, Supreme Destiny closed down because the company handling it became bankrupt. It was a good run.

Forged good friendships, met some very interesting people and most importantly, owned a lot of noobs. Kidding. I guess why people become addicted is because we all have this escapist in us. We want to avoid the realities of the world. We have our other things to fall back on in case we actually do fail in life. People spend their time and money in wanting to be the best because they want to be sovereign, to be in control of something for once. What we gotta realize, and what I made peace with, is that…

MY GAME DOESN’T OWN ME.
I OWN THE GAME.

Arrivederci.

Left: My character

Right: Babzy and I riding the very rare pets in the game (Yeah, we were the coolest characters around. Hoho.)